Fully Present 

Kids and teens want us to be FULLY present in their moments. 

Fully Present - What does this mean?

Being fully present means many things. In the swirl of life, this can be challenging, yet it is beyond rewarding. A mentor gave me a question to ask myself,

 “What does it mean to be present with each one of my children?”

Each moment is a gift, what does it mean to live fully present in the moments? 

Relationships grow in random seemingly ordinary moments. We can ask ourselves: What am I doing with moments? Maybe you have thought, I just need meaningful time to develop a relationship with each of my children. However, ordinary moments are gifts. 

In reality, seemingly ordinary moments grow an extraordinary relationship!!!

Moments with our children and teens add up to their childhood, their memories of growing up. Our experiences with our kids are shaping their memories and how we will be remembered. They may not remember all of the things we do, but they will remember how we make them feel.

The majority of moments do seem ordinary: in the car, on the way to school, helping with homework, doing yard work, cleaning the garage...If we wait for “great moments,” sadly, we will miss countless moments in-between. If we are truly present in the moments, we can continually develop closeness with our kids. This looks different for everyone. 

We can ask ourself:

What am I doing with my seemingly ordinary moments? (in the car, making dinner, homework time)

How can I make ordinary moments extraordinary by my thoughts, tone, words, by our conversation topics?

Digging deeper, we can ask ourselves: 

What did moments with my own parents look like? How did this make me feel? What did I hope for, and how can I give what I hoped for to my own kids? 

Personally, I have found making ordinary moments extraordinary requires me to continually ask myself the question:

“How can I be fully present with the person that I am with?” 

You can join me in asking yourself this question, here are a few of my answers. 

Being present means: 

• putting my phone down 
• looking into their eyes
• asking a follow up question
• resisting the temptation to be interrupted by something or someone
• at times, dropping what I am doing to do what they need me to do
• responding in a tone that I would want given back to me
• enjoying each moment as a gift

Being present means that in that moment my spouse or my child/teen that I am talking to is the very most important person in the world to me. Being present means remembering to play, laugh, and not take life too seriously. Although our teens may not respond immediately in time their response will be a gift to us. 

May being fully present give you the GIFT OF enjoying moments that will enrich your relationships with each member of your family. Children and teens copy our behavior, so if we are fully present with them. They will be more engaged with us. Our actions always speak louder than our words. 

So, what are some practical ideas on how to handle technology in our home?

These are our house rules for technology, we don't do all of this perfectly, yet we aim for living growing in relationship with one another. 

Patiently communicating our WHY will help our teens comply!

Children and teens want to know our WHY, it helps them comply. In most cases, this is not a rebellious attitude. They are curious about the reason behind our stance on family rules, guidelines, and boundaries, especially when it comes to technology.

Explaining our WHY monitoring phones and technology may be an awkward conversation, however, it does not have to be.  As parents, it is important to tell our kids and teens why we have rules and guidelines with technology. 

IDEAS: 

Never allow phones at the dinner table, this is a time for everyone to connect at the end of the day. 

For elementary kids:

• Don’t give in to requests for phones or ipads, let them be board.
• Develop in your children a love for playing.
• Take them outside. 
• Don’t let technology be a babysitter.
• Always have color pencils, play doh, and outdoor play toys available 

For middle school students:

• Keep the phones and computers on the main floor.
• No phone in their room or bathroom (f they have social media or access to YouTube)
• Do not allow phones in the bedroom (unless you give them permission- for instance- a group facetime call)
• Safari is not allowed on phones
• Give the phone to parents at bedtime. 

*We have chosen to wait on social media until ages 14-17, each child is different and this is something each family must decide. If you allow social media, as a parent it is important to become educated on what your student can search without any record of this on their search history. We also do not allow YouTube on phones. 

AGE for a phone: Instead of setting an exact age for a phone and more freedoms, we choose to look at the actions, maturity, honesty, and heart of each of our teens. If we feel that our teen is not honest with us on the little things, we must wait to entrust him/her with a phone.  

High School Students:

If a teen has social media (We do not allow phones in their room if doors are closed.)

• No phones in the bathroom.
• Parental control turns apps off at 11:00  (SnapChat, Instagram are turned off when we  go to sleep.)
• Set Safari (Search) restriction on phones and computers.
• Bring phones & computers to our room every night (Parents set the time).

*Side note: Depending on the teen, for senior year and during Covid quarantines, we have made some exceptions to these rules by looking at the heart of our teen and maturity level. 

By setting guidelines we are not naive enough to believe they will not be tempted, we are just making it difficult to make an unwise choice. 

The key is communication! 

For accountability, we believe that as long as we pay for their phone and as long as they live in our home, we have  permission to look at their phone. We communicate with our kids at any point we might pick up their phone and look at the text threads.

Author Note: 

Article by Becca Gunyon, MCC, wife and mom of 5, Christian student counselor 20+ years, Parent Coach, author. For books see beccagunyon.com 

More Next Gen Blog Posts: 

Read more of Church on the Hill's Next Gen blog posts for support and encouragement for parents and their families at onthehill.life/next-gen-blog

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