“I love WHO you are!” 

What would happen if we told our children and teens this EVERY day?

As parents, we want to get it right. We desire to raise kids that thrive, give life to the world around them, and live their faith. And let’s be real, we hope to raise kids that we enjoy relationships with into their adult years. Twenty plus years of counseling students revealed one common theme:

Children and teens want an authentic growing relationship with each of their parents!  

Every child and teen hope to hear:

“I love who you are!” That’s it! Not because..or but… or if…or when…

The simplicity of saying this phrase to our children and teens is life changing. When we simply say, “I love who you are!!” We are communicating, “My love for you is unconditional. My love is not dependent on how you perform: on a stage, on the court, on the field, academically, socially…I love you because of WHO you are!” 

Most of us think our kids know this; however, our children long to hear us say it!

Whether we realize it or not, daily we are shaping our children’s worldview and more importantly their view of God. If we communicate that our approval of our children is dependent on what they do or do not do; we cultivate performance based behavior. Performance based behavior leads to stress, anxiety, insecurity, and sometimes even rebellion. As parents, we can communicate a difference between approving of our child’s actions versus who they are as a person. Speaking unconditional love and acceptance creates a firm foundation for our kids & teens to thrive in every area of life.  

Our words combat the negativity students already feel about themselves. Kids question themselves. They question their worth, their ability, their identity... They wonder if they fit in and if they are likable.  As I counsel students, I see this truth, for the majority of kids’ thoughts about themselves are negative. As parents, we can help transform our children's perception of themselves, by speaking life-giving words. 

“The secret conversations you hold in the privacy of your own mind are shaping your destiny, little by little. With every thought that races through your mind, you are continually reinventing yourself and your future. Research indicates that the average person thinks approximately fifty thousand thoughts per day. This is either good or bad news because every thought moves you either toward your God-given potential or away from it. No thoughts are neutral.” (Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle) 

Our words hold power to shape our children’s thoughts, heart, and the way they see themselves. Each time, we say, “I love who you are,” we are reminding our child or teen that who God made them to be is enough. We are communicating to our children that God designed each person in a unique special way and He has a plan for them. 

There is something amazing that happens in a teen’s attitude when they feel loved completely. Furthermore when our kids know they are loved and treasured for who they are, we have more leverage to walk beside them in their weaknesses. Sometimes they even ask for honest feedback or help. When our kids feel secure, we can discuss things that they need to work on without shaming them or causing rebellion. We can communicate love, while helping our children and teens grow in specific areas. 

How can we embrace this concept? 

God simply loves. It is His essence. “God is LOVE!” (1 John 4:16 NIV). When we speak His love day after day, week after week, year after year, we are communicating the love of God shown through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. His love creates a solid foundation for families!  

Daily, we need to remind ourselves God loves who we are, so that we can share this simple truth with our children. 

“In loving me, You made me lovable.” (St. Augustine) 

Most of us must choose to live in His identity, His love, and what He says about us. Personally, I am not sure I ever feel lovable enough. I could always do more, be more, achieve more, love more, serve more… so if my identity is based on my doing I fall short. Something mysterious happens when we choose to see ourselves through His loving lens. We like ourselves more and we parent out of an overflow of God’s heart instead of trying to earn acceptance. 

God whispers, “I love who you are!” As parents, we too can hear His whisper and let His words echo in our minds replacing the negativity we tell ourselves. As we do this, it will be much easier to share His love with those we live with. 

Practical Application: Set a daily reminder on your phone to tell your child/teen, “I love who YOU are! AND I love this about you ________(Fill in the blank. Examples: I love your heart, your wisdom, your kindness, your ability to lead, your compassion, your determination… etc.)!” 

An unexpected gift happens when we encourage our kids and teens, for they will model what we are communicating. Now that I have two kids in college, everyday communication looks different. When I send a text saying, “I love who you are!” I am always surprised by this response, “Thanks Mom, I love who you are too!” 

*If you are a truth person, you might be thinking, “What about boundaries and guidelines?” Well that is another article and this is explained in theme 5 in my workbook- Making Ordinary Moments EXTRAordinary which is available at beccagunyon.com or on Amazon.

Communicating unconditional love to our children and teens creates security, stability, and helps them thrive. We can make ordinary moments EXTRAordinary by the way we live life together! 

My Why: Helping families enjoy their relationships with one another! 

@parentingmomentbymoment @chooselifetothefullest FB - beccaowingsgunyon- writer 

NEW PARENTING WORKSHOP & WORKBOOK:  Making Ordinary Moments EXTRAordinary Workbook details beccagunyon.com 

Becca Gunyon, MCC, director of The Way Counseling since 2000  (loving life as a wife, mom of 5, pastoral student counselor/ parent coach), author of The Treasure, Choose Life to the Fullest series, Journey to His Heart, Journey with His Voice 

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